Planning a funeral or memorial service
Arranging a funeral is a project management job handed to the person least equipped to do it that week. It helps to know the decisions in advance, and to know how many of them are genuinely optional.
The decisions, roughly in order
Burial or cremation. Often already decided by their wishes, a will, or family tradition. Cremation is the cheaper of the two nearly everywhere, and it buys you time — a memorial service can be held weeks later, when people can travel.
A funeral, a memorial service, or neither. A funeral has the body present and happens soon. A memorial service does not, and can be whenever you like. Some families do both. Some do neither, and hold a gathering at a house instead, and that is a legitimate choice rather than a failure.
Where. A church, a crematorium chapel, a funeral home, a hall, a garden, a beach. Crematorium chapels are often booked in fixed time slots, which is worth asking about before you plan an hour of music.
Who leads it. A minister, a celebrant, or a family member. A celebrant will meet you, listen for an hour, and write something that sounds like the person — worth every cent if nobody in the family can face speaking.
Who speaks. One or two eulogies is plenty. Ask people directly rather than generally, and give each one a time limit, kindly. Always arrange an understudy who can read it if the speaker cannot get through it.
Music, readings, photographs. Two or three pieces of music. A slideshow if you have the photographs and the energy; nobody will mind if you do not.
Afterwards. Somewhere for people to stand about with a cup of tea. This unglamorous half is often the part people remember most warmly.
What it costs
Funerals cost more than most people expect — commonly several thousand, and much more if you say yes to everything. Two things worth knowing:
- Ask for the itemised price list. You are entitled to one, and you are allowed to decline items on it.
- The expensive choices are not the meaningful ones. A more expensive coffin is not a greater expression of love, whatever the brochure implies. Spend where it matters to you and decline the rest without apology.
What you can skip
Viewing. Flowers. Cars. Printed orders of service. A newspaper notice. Any of it. These are conventions, not requirements, and a service that is simple and true to the person is better than an expensive one that is not.
The one thing worth doing for later
Whatever you plan, a lot of people who cannot attend will want somewhere to say something. A memorial page holds the service details, the photographs and the notes people leave, works for anyone you send the link to or print a QR code for, and stays there long after the day itself — which is when a surprising amount of the grieving actually happens.