What to say in a eulogy: a gentle guide

Being asked to give a eulogy is an honour that mostly feels like a weight. You are not expected to sum up a whole person in five minutes — no one can. You are expected to stand up, love them out loud, and sit back down. That is achievable, even on the worst week of your life.

Pick one thread, not the whole cloth

The mistake most people make is trying to cover everything. A eulogy that lists every job, every hobby and every relative is a résumé, and it does not move anyone. Choose one thread — their kindness, their stubbornness, the way they made everyone feel like the most interesting person in the room — and pull it through the whole talk.

Tell stories, not adjectives

"He was generous" is forgotten by the time you sit down. The story of him quietly paying for a stranger's groceries is remembered for years. Wherever you have written a describing word, see if you can replace it with the small true story underneath it — the same advice as for writing an obituary, and the free obituary writer asks for those stories directly.

A simple structure

If you need a shape to hang it on, this one rarely fails:

• Open with who you are and your bond with them — one or two sentences.
• The thread — the one thing about them you want the room to hold on to.
• Two or three stories that show that thread in action.
• What they gave you, or taught you, or left behind.
• Close — a final line, spoken to them or about them.

Let it be honest

You do not have to pretend they were a saint. A gentle, warm acknowledgement of a real flaw often gets the fondest laugh in the room and makes the love ring true. People grieve the whole person, not the polished one.

Practical things that help on the day

• Write it out in full. Do not trust yourself to improvise while grieving.
• Print it large, and number the pages.
• Have a glass of water, and permission to pause. Silence is fine.
• Ask someone to be your understudy — a person who can step in and read it if you cannot get through it. Knowing they are there often means you will not need them.

Afterwards

A eulogy is spoken once and then it is gone, which is a shame, because it is often the truest thing said about a person all year. Many families keep it — printed, or added to a memorial page where others can read it and add their own memories too. If you would like somewhere lasting to put it, alongside their photographs and the words other people leave, Everkept is made for exactly that.

You will do them justice. Loving someone honestly, in front of the people who also loved them, is the whole job — and you already know how to do that.